Destroy all Planets

Do you like captivating stories? Memorable characters? A sense that all the cast and crew actually gave a damn about the film they were working on? If you answered 'yes' to all three, then stay, far, far away from Destroy all Planets. Let me reiterate: FAR, FAR AWAY.

A spaceship, looking not unlike a clump of bumblebee thoraxes glued together to form a circle, is looking for a suitable planet to colonize. Seeing Earth, the aliens (note, you never actually see any aliens at this point: just close-ups of a machine that you know has to be scientific because it spins and has glowing lights!) while an obnoxious monotone plays in the background) prepare to land, only to attacked by the Friend to all Children, Gamera. The ship is badly damaged, and vows vengeance while beating a hasty retreat.

Meanwhile, two bratty Scouts have decided to screw around with an experimental submarine, following an exchange of dialogue that went something like this:

SCIENTIST: Gee kids, this submarine went kinda screwy and came close to killing me. My code of ethics tells me that it may not be a good idea to let two minors pilot this here vehicle.

BRATTY KID #1: Aw, c'mon mister! We'll be awfully careful!

BRATTY KID'S SISTER: Yeah, these kids are real good with electronics. Why, my brother once fixed a watch!

SCIENTIST: Ho ho ho! Well, that settles it. Here kids, go out and try not to die in the cold, dark embrace of the ocean! Ho ho ho!

Sigh. Anyways, the two kids meet up with Gamera, and race around with him. Kaiju fans around the world collectively slap their foreheads. Suddenly!! The aliens reinforcements have come to Earth, and trap Gamera and the intrepid explorers under an energy dome. See, the aliens want to bend Gamera to their will and force him to destroy the planet. Not ALL PLANETS, just the one planet. Will the kids find a way to escape the diabolic dome? Will Gamera rise up and defeat the star creatures? Will you care?

I have to admit, I've never been a fan of the Showa Gamera films. Aside from the surprisingly enjoyable first two entries, the others have been afflicted with dreary plots, horrible monster designs, and risible special effects. Sadly, this one is no exception. Made in the late 60's in an attempt to cash in on the craze generated by the Godzilla series, the Gamera franchise attempted to appeal to the younger audiences by having more explicit monster violence, as well as main characters that were often children. Gamera never really came into his own until the early 1990's, with Shusuke Kaneko's masterfully dark trilogy that had the big guy facing off against man-eating monsters, an unthinkably huge alien juggernaut, and even a demon straight from the pages of H.P. Lovecraft. But, I digress...

There's not really anything I can say about the acting, as the version I watched was dubbed. Even the sole American actor looks dubbed. Simply put, its a terrible dub, and the "actors" obviously couldn't care any less about what they were doing. Can't say that I blame them.

One of the biggest disappointments is the way in which the alien invasion plot is handled. Ishiro Honda, who directed many of Toho's Godzilla and other sci-fi films, was clearly an optimist. He believed in the inherent goodness of humanity, and this spirit of cooperation is evident in many of his films as people from all around the world put aside their differences to fight an evil that threatens to destroy them. The reason I bring this up is because Honda's sci-fi operas were always fast-paced, sweeping epics that took place on a global scale. Destroy all Planets makes the ballsy decision of taking what could have been an enjoyable alien flick and making it so narrow in scope as to be nearly inconsequential: there are constant mentions of the Earth being in great danger, but when you have a grand total of two main characters who are constantly the focus of the action, there's little suspense to be had. Gamera hardly has any screen time. Instead of being called Destroy all Planets, it should have been Thick-headed kids wander around in a spaceship that makes them sandwiches. Yes, the alien ship makes them sandwiches.

Well, even though the execution is deadly dull, at least the concept of Gamera being used as an agent of widespread destruction should guarantee some good times, right? WRONG. The trouble begins when the aliens imprison Gamera and scan his mind in order to determine his powers and weaknesses. Cue the stock-footage! Ever see Gamera vs. Gaos or Gamera vs. Barugon? No? Well, don't worry, because now you can relive the monster action from both films in their entirety! Nearly 2o minutes of continuous recycled footage. Simply unbelievable. Whats worse, when Gamera is finally turned loose upon the world, yet MORE stock-footage is hauled out from Barugon and even the original film, which was in black and white. The word 'shameless' doesn't even begin to describe what is going on here.

The special effects are, as usual, barely adequate. From Gamera lifting a force-field as if were a curtain(!) to the clumsily animated scene where the aliens merge to form the gigantic Viras, there is really nothing worth going into great detail over. Mainly because there's around 10 minutes of original special effects work to be found here. A note on Viras: while being a slightly interesting looking monster, he feels more like an after-thought than anything else. Why? For starters, he appears in the last 10 minutes(!!) in a 90 minute film, and there is absoluely no build up to his appearance. Why do the aliens suddenly have the ability to form together to make a giant hell beast? Its as if the screenwriter suddenly remembered that he was making a monster movie, and just threw in whatever came to mind.

The battle itself is slightly enjoyable, with Viras largely dominating the brawl. Still, the fight takes place on a deserted beach (at this time, monster fights in the countryside or other deserted locales were becoming the norm for budget-conscious filmmakers, and the presence of wire work and empty suits make the clash less impressive. Also, remember cringing when Godzilla slid on his tail to kick Megalon? Well, Gamera rides Viras like a jet-ski. I'll just let you draw your own conclusions. Gamera never really comes off well either, as it seems that he's incapable of fighting intelligently without annoying children calling out moves, not unlike Pokemon (as the fight begins, Gamera just stands there with his thumb up his butt while Viras gets in several free hits). How do you respect a monster that seems virtually brain-dead and is incapable of holding his own in a fight without being egged on by deranged youngsters?

Unless you like the old Gamera films, there's really nothing I can recommend about this one. For the hardcore and adventurous only.