Splinter

As anyone knows me will attest, I LOVE monster movies. From rampaging behemoths such as Godzilla to the sublimely twisted fusion of flesh and metal that is Alien, creature featutures have been able to effortlessly capture my imagination since the tender age of 5, when I was given my first dose of Godzilla. Besides, time for you to face some facts about yourself. What would rather you see: someone struggling to find their way in life, wading through a sea of catty social encounters, AND dealing with some traumatic event from their past that rears its head at inoppurtune moments; OR a seriously badass monster inflicting all manner of extreme mayhem on poor, helpless peeps as they scramble to stay alive AND avoid tripping on their rapidly unspooling intestines? If you prefer the former, I advise you stop reading right now, and go enjoy your copy of Closer. Unfortunately, my quest to find a good monster romp has led me to be burned a good number of times; often by the lurid and colorful cover art of the B-movies populating the video store near my house at the time. Being young and impressionable, it was hard not being seduced by thr cover art, which if nothing else, promised a fun time. Sigh... what I would get instead would be complete shoozefests that consisted of people wandering through poorly lit environments, with bland young people trundling long waxing poetic about...sex and drugs, of all things. And when the monster(s) would finally show up, it would either be a CGI fabrication of equal, or less, quality then Playstation 1 cinematics, or a suit of such low quality that somewhere, somehow, 1960's era Daiei Studios was shaking their heads in pity (created Gamera in the 60's in order to compete with Godzilla. Long story short...it didn't work, until the 90's revival. Look them up to get the full meaning of the joke.)

Outside of these digital pieces of excrement, there was no real way to satisfy my monster fix, what with any critter centered flick, let alone a good one, being released sporadically. Oh, to live in the golden era of the B-movie, where you could hardly walk down the street without confronting some new nightmarish beast (usually created by mishandled science, and then solved by the most rugged scientists you'd ever lay eyes on. Ironic...). Then, along came the little film that could, Splinter. A film that offers up a simple, people-putting-aside-their-differences-to-fight-a-common-enemy siege story, it accomplishes exactly what it sets out do to; entertain you. It disregards any opportunity to throw any postmodern winks at the audience and instead acts as a sort of love letter to past B-monster movies; indeed, it snuggles most comfortably with John Carpenter's The Thing, especially regarding the nature of its beast. And friends, what a beast it is.

I am of the belief that anyone wearing a hat proclaiming "I Heart Bikinis" is someone who deserves to be immediately removed from the gene pool. Luckily, the black spined...thing lurking in the woods happens to agree, and promptly kills the lone gas station attendant in possession of said hat. We are then introduced to young couple Seth and Polly during their anniversary. He's the bookish, shy type, with a Ph.d in Biology (he's NOT a doctor, y'know), and she's the vibrant, outdoorsy type. One look at them easily brings to mind questions along the lines of "how'd he get a looker like her...?"; luckily, the actors share such a natural chemistry that any disbelieving is quickly thrown to the wind. Hoping to spend their anniversary under the stars, their plans are mucked up by Seth in the most spectacularly inept way. Their plans for a secondary retreat at a motel are foiled when escaped convict Dennis and his detoxing (and completely loopy) girlfriend take them as hostages (seeing as he has an entire state of pissed off police officers bearing down on him). After some verbal abusing of Seth (he can't even drive a stick-shift), the group's car breaks down after running over the creature that killed the gas station attendant. Luckily, they're able to get to a nearby gas station. The same one from the opening credits. With no means of communication. With a hideous, parasitical monster wanting very badly to get in. People, place your bets.

This is a film that, as the plot synopsis would indicate, is hardly original. And as is the case with many lower-budget films, the problems are slightly more obvious than higher budget, mainstream fare. That being said, while hardly perfect, Splinter is easily one of the more entertaining films I've sat down for the last little while. Hearkening back to the creature-feature flicks of the 80's, the newbie director takes a simple premise and delivers a lean (barely clocking over 80 minutes) and mean debut feature. However, as with previous films I've talked about, being unoriginal doesn't mean something should instantly dismissed. It only takes a director's enthusiasm and commitment to tired material to make it interesting. Toby Wilkins delivers this in spades.

One of the more refreshing aspects of the film are the way the characters are handled. They aren't treated as disposable monster fodder, and even though they are to a degree recognizable archetypes, there are actual personalities built around them, and as a result we actually begin to care about these people. There are no groan-worthy moves carried out by our protagonists, and surprisingly, their plans to escape and fight back actually involve forsight and planning. Wow, someone call Guiness. Dennis is one of the more interesting characters, and despite engaging in the 'hardened badass' cliches, he morphs from a completely unlikeable, despicable human being into a surprisingly layered, sympathetic character. Polly is extremely fun to watch as well, and given her kick-ass attitude constant standing up to Dennis in the initial early moments, one gets the impression that she could very easily have become a Ripley for the new millennium. Almost a shame then that she didn't have as much to do when things got truly hairy. Seth is the weakest character, for several reasons. For one, one gets the distinct impression that he could be due for a new backbone transplant. I don't know about you, but if someone smashed my girlfriend on the back of her head and called her a "fucking idiot", I wouldn't just take that standing and do absolutely nothing. Also, his knowledge of all things biological comes off as a bit too convenient when it comes down to understanding the nature of the creature; the snap deductions he makes regarding its physical makeup come off as a bit contrived. Finally, there's a reaction from him that came damn near to taking me entirely out of the movie. Upon his first direct with the concert, he speaks so matter-of-factly it comes to the point of him sounding more bored than anything else, while a more appropriate reaction would be along the lines of "JESUSFUCKINGCHRISTFUCKINGMONSTERAAAAAAAAAAAAAH."

Now, regarding the monster, if one imagined the lovechild of the title creature from The Thing and the sentient vine from The Ruins, you might get an idea as to what exactly this thing is. I'm not going to go into much specifics, as I think the monster is one of the coolest to come down the pike for the last couple of years, but here goes. Essentially, its a needle organism that burrows into the flesh of its host, and proceeds to take it over. Then things get nasty. It doesn't need the whole body to function, just parts of it. Also, its a creature obviously unfamiliar with the workings of the human body, and contorts the bodies of its host in absolutely hideous ways in order move around. Seeing this thing in motion...there's really no adequate way to do it justice. Needless to say, you won't be able to look away. Unfortunately, likely for budgetary reasons, Wilkins employs shaky-cam for most of the creature attacks. While not really as irritating as most have made it out to be, it still renders the creature slightly hard to make out, and is still frustrating. Despite this, the final form of the monster is a masterwork of twisted flesh that would be proud to call Silent Hill its home. Besides, its done with old school, prosthetic effects. What more incentive do you need?

Given the brevity of the film, there is no obvious explanation for the creature. There are several throw away clues that may or may not have to do with anything, but aside from those, nothing else is given. It is simply introduced, the rules laid out, and the blood spilled. Simple, and to the point.

I'll admit, for the first 15 minutes or so, I wasn't entirely won over. The crime-thriller aspect felt weak, and the language almost felt like a Tarantino impersonator. But when the beastie came out to play, and the siege fully kicked in, along with some absolutely hideous acts of violence doled out by the creature, I was absolutely hooked. My advice? Kick off your shoes, get some friends over, and go on a trip down Memory Lane. You won't be disappointed.

King of the Hill

King of the Hill continues to prove that the Spanish, the rest of Europe. Asia, and even Canada are able to produce better crafted horror cinema than the United States. While King may not be horror per say (if anything, it belongs more firmly in the thriller/suspense genre), it still provides an effective look at an ordinary man as his safe, secure world comes crashing down in the face of human cruelty in its purest form.

Quim is having a rough day. First, he's unable to get in touch with his ex-girlfriend, in the vain hopes of reconciling (and possibly some no-strings-attached lovin'). Then, he spies a young woman shoplifting in the gas station, and, in exchange for not turning her in, she offers him some "you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours" in the form of a bathroom quickie. While that may not necessarily sound like a bad thing, it quickly becomes worse with the discovery she's robbed him, though inexplicably paid for his gas. Our understandably pissed hero follows her van through a vast mountainous range; where then a slightly less-than-average day descends completely into hell with a flash of light atop a mountain, the crack of a rifle, and a bullet in his car battery and his leg. Soon, he and the aforementioned thief, Bea, find themselves stalked by the most dangerous of killers; one able to target them effortlessly via a high-powered rifle. Shoot. Kill. Game Over.

The idea of comfortably soft, well-off city slickers being lost in an unfamiliar, hostile environment while being stalked and tormented by an adversary with an intimate knowledge of their surroundings dates as far back as outings such as Deliverance and Southern Comfort, both very strong genre outings. But whereas those films had their actual location (forest and swamp, respectively) play as much, if not more of a threat than the physical, identifiable enemy, King has its woods and mountainous ranges play an almost passive part (though there a few wince inducing injuries dealt out by Mother Nature), and the main threat is the sniper, who for his prowess in navigating the land as far as his far reaching view, may as well be God. King of the Hill, indeed. As such, the director is able to generate some genuinely suspenseful set-pieces; the frequent moments of silence, and dare I say it, relative tranquility, are violently punctuated by the retorts of his rifle, and as a result the viewer is left in an agonizing state of suspense, dreading the next shot to land right between the shoulder blades of our protagonists. The inability to know where or when the next attack will occur proves infinitely more frightening than a masked troglodyte you can see coming a mile away.

In true horror fashion, there is an intervention by the cops, and as most anyone with a brain can foresee, the boys in blue will offer no salvation; instead, they'll be disbelieving assholes who meet their end at the hands of the foe they thought was a practical joke coined by those damn kids and their decadent lifestyle. "I told you so" has never been so true. And for better or worse, the cops in Hill are no exception. Unfortunately, this is also one of the film's larger stumbling blocks. I mean, there's disbelieving, which is sometimes excusable, and then there's disbelieving. As Jane Austen would likely note, these cops are of "ill-breeding", as not only do they appear oblivious to the wound in his leg, deaf to his repeated claims that some asshole is trying to kill him, they believe him guilty of a murder (quite early on, Quim killed an accomplice of the sniper), and then arrest him and Bea and drive them to the scene of the crime. Un-frigging-believable. Once, just once, I would love to see a cop actually believing the story of an obviously panicked individual, instead of giving them the old "the hell you say" and contuing to be a fool right to their violent end. Luckily, the sniper does the world a service and preforms a little high calibre brain surgery, among other things, upon the "defenders of the people".

The most interesting element of the film comes near the hour mark, when the film makes a sudden shift to the perspective of the killer. What was a taught, near breathless extended stalk sequence suddenly morphs into a satire, and a extremely effective one at that. Going further down this road of discussion is impossible without divulging massive spoilers, but I'll just say this: the title brings on a whole new meaning with the revelation. The villain, while rendered slightly less frightening when seen as a human being, instead of a near god-like figure, is still brought vividly to life by the actor portraying him, and ultimately he stands out as one of the more savage and interesting antaganists I've seen of late.

The film is shot on video and captures the landscape beautifully, making the vast wilderness a force to be equally admired and reckoned with; the standout being the climax set in an abandoned, decaying village, which takes on a most terrible beauty. It is an extremely tightly shot film, with the actors being framed often in close up, forcing the viewer into a more intimate standpoint. The score works well, with the music ranging from melancholy guitar riffs to a thundering percussion for several of the attacks. Good stuff. The acting is solid across the board, with Quim being enough of an everyman to gain our sympathy, despite his sometimes morally dubious decisions. Valverde brings an intriguing sense of mystery to her character; nothing is ever really revealed of her, and throughout the film, it is alluded that she may be in league with the killer. Of course, I'll neither prove or disprove this.

Word is the Weinsteins are planning on seizing this for a remake, so be sure to get to the goods before this can happen. Really, it all comes down to choosing between a steak and microwavable roast beef. Really, not that hard a decision.

Cold Prey

At face value, there's really nothing all that original about the Norweigan Cold Prey: it is essentially the story of a group of friends who are stalked by a hulking, masked psychopath. All the genre cliches are firmly in place: from the isolated setting, to the spunky Final Girl facing off against the killer in a climatic death match. Luckily, what makes this film ultimately so enjoyable is that the director is able to take often used genre tropes and approach them in a far from workman-like manner, creating something that readily embraces the slasher sub-genre and differs enough to make it ultimately worthwhile.

As the flashy, and admittedly cool Seven inspired opening credits montage tells us, something bad lives in the mountains of Norway. Something that has racked up a body count of over 100 people over the past couple decades; something that leaves no trace of its victims, leaving befuddled search-and-rescue teams to assume the missing were hit by avalanches, or other mountain associated hazards. Finally, it has ties to a young boy being chased, and killed in the snow, though the exact connection is unanswered until the very end of the film.

Enter 5 young friends seeking skiing-and-snowboard-related merriment: couples Jannicke and Eirik, Ingunn and Mikal, and fifth-wheel Morten Tobias, a.k.a, "The Funny Guy". Any fan worth his salt will easily be able to see the large "INSERT AXE OR OTHER SHARP/BLUNT OBJECT HERE" floating over his head. The fun ceases, (or increases, depending on your moral stand point), when Morten breaks his leg in a snowboarding accident. Too far from their car, or any other signs of civilization, the group seeks refuge inside an abandoned ski-lodge, that, judging by appearances, is likely related to the Overlook. After using super-glueing Morten's wound closed, with an appropiatly horrified reaction from the 'patient', the remaining 4 explore the lodge, unaware that the aforementioned force from the opening credits calls the hotel 'home', and he does not take kindly to strangers...

Surprisingly, the film does not take its main strength from its kills; in fact, the kills, though they definitely pack an 'oomph', they are relatively bloodless. The movie's power source is in fact the writing of its protagonists. Inside of being mere cardboard cutouts, manufactured by the fine folks at "Slasher Central Casting", that exist merely to be killed in the most horrific ways possible, these are, *GASP*, actual people. Actual, surprisingly lifelike characters with believable worries and fears, which makes the audience connection that much stronger then most slasher fare. An example: the character who is all over her new boyfriend whenever someone isn't looking (i.e. blinking), in this case, Ingunn, would be branded by any other film as The Slut. And, as the 'rules' decree, she would be killed either in the process of sex, or immediately after sex. However, not only is she a VIRGIN, she's actually hesitant over actually having sex, whereas her boyfriend, Mikal, is the one pushing for them to 'take their relationship to the next level', and reacts in a surprisingly callous way when she suggests they wait. Also, the Final Girl, Jannicke, is not the virginal heroine most have come to expect. She fears moving in with Eirik, his own suggestion, will in some way erode the magic of their relationship, and that they will likely find themselves falling out of love soon enough. Naturally, there is a slight, unspoken tension between the two because of this, but luckily not nearly to the point where the romantic melodrama becomes its own, unnecessary subplot. Here's looking at you, Spider-Man 3. Finally, the comic-relief has been in love with Jannicke for years, a love that he knows will never come to fruition, making him all the more vulnerable, and surprisingly, non-annoying for it. Granted, these aren't hugely deep or insightful character trait, but they don't have to be; they're just realistic and sympathetic enough to make the audience actually care what happens to them, making the lead up to the kills all the more suspenseful.

Those going in expecting a MBV3D-style gore fest will likely come out disappointed. Instead of relying on flying viscera to amuse the audience, the film instead is a slow burning exercise in suspense. The tension is gained from the characters exploring the various hotel rooms, some of which bear the marks of past actions of violence. From a room ravaged by flame, walls spattered with may be blood, a broken window with hair and blood on the edges, to a missing axe, it is apparent that not all is well in this lodge. Or maybe, as Mikal glibly remarks, "Someone just wanted an axe". Following the murder of one of the characters, a short, brutally effective stalk set piece, the realization that something is very wrong climaxes when Jannicke and Mikal discover the killer's trophy room (a chilling scene marred only by Jannicke and Mikal responing by nervously laughing and thinking nothing of it until later). That being said, what the kills lack in splashy-flashiness, they make up for by retaining an undeiniably brutal feeling to them. Especially the first kill. Yikes.

The film is shot beautifully, with the sweeping camera and many aerial shots capturing the full splendor of the mountain side; at first evoking a sense of beauty, only to later evoke a sense of dread and isolation. Like the original My Bloody Valentine the setting plays a key role in determining the look of the killer. Whereas that film had a miner, the boogeyman here is a man covered with appropiate gear for outdoor weather, a relatively simple look that manages to be extremely intimidating. There isn't quite enough time spent with him to establish much in the way of personality, but through sheer size, and animalistic grunts, and overall appearance, he's definitely able to hold his own with other slasher greats.

So, again, definitely not going to change the world, or usher in a whole new wave of cinema as we know it. But, there's nothing wrong with a film taking tired cliches and reviving them in a fresh, invigorating way. Besides, I'm just amazed by the fact that we have a successful foreign horror film that DOESN'T have an American remake in the works. Hope I didn't jinx it...

Gamera 3: Revenge of Iris

A guardian who has seemingly severed all ties to a race he once protected. The global reappearance of a winged predator thought extinct. A young girl with a deep-rooted hatred of the beloved flying turtle. A creature that understands her pain, and promises her revenge. An unholy communion that can spell doom for all of humanity. Truly dark days indeed...

Here's a little back story for the uninitiated: Thousands of years ago, the lost continent of Mu engineered Gamera in order to extinguish a species known as Gyaos, creatures with a savagery matched only by their appetite. In 1995, Gamera was found cased inside rock, along with a comet shaped jewel capable of forging a psychic link between Gamera and the owner of the jewel, who in this case, a teenage girl named Asagi. Years later, when Earth was buckling under the might of an extraterrestial intelligence known as Legion, Gamera was able to summon the Earth's spiritual energy (more on this later) in order to vanquish the threat. Unfortunately, the strain produced by such a summoning shattered Asagi's jewel. As well, as we would learn later, no good deed goes unpunished...

What is Gamera, you ask? Well...er...he's a giant turtle that has rocket jets in his legs and arms, withdraw all his limbs in order to fly like a UFO (how he manages to navigate is beyond me), and can expel molten fire. Worry not, gentle reader, you have not happened to lose your mind, and no one in the vicinity is on too many drugs. Or not enough, depending on how you look at it.

The year is 1999, and as previously stated, things aren't looking too good for humanity. For reasons unknown, the winged Gyaos have begun to appear all around the world, striking with a savagery and speed that leaves the respective militaries unable to co-ordinate a counter-attack. Even worse, worries Dr. Mayumi Nagamine (Shinobu Nakayama, repsrising her role from the first film), the creatures may be evolving. Meanwhile, the Big Green Guy's public relations with the people of Japan is seriously damaged when a seemingly insane Gamera engages in an aerial dogfight with two Gyaos. Doesn't sound too bad, until one takes into account the fact half the city was destroyed, and Grama wracks up a death toll of between 15,000 and 20,000. Despite having their asses saved by the turtle not once, but TWICE, the ungrateful bastards elect him to Enemy Number 1 in the course of a day. Bad news for all the vendors making a living selling the "I Heart Gamera!!!" t-shirts...

Elsewhere, there is Ayana. Years ago, she witnessed her parents crushed to death by Gamera, although the exact circumstance of their death is withheld until the end of the film. Sent with her little brother to live with family friends in a mountain side village, she has, needless to say, unresolved issues. Wrapped up in her hate, she's oblivious to the painful advances of Moribe, who's been pining for her for as long as he's known her. As it goes for all troubled teens, her angst is thrown to the breeze when she discovers a creature living in a cave near their house. Despite Moribe's warnings that the beast is dangerous, as it is possibly a mythical entity known as the Ryuseicho that could bring about the end of the world, she instantly likes the little guy, just because its SOOOOOOO CUTE!!!!. She christens it Iris, after her cat who was also killed by Gamera (man, the more I hear about him, the more I start to hate). The two form a bond, with Ayana believing both of them have suffered at the hands of Gamera. Iris then attempts to merge with her following an uncomfortable encounter in the woods (Legend of the Overfiend, anyone?), only to be saved by Moribe. Now in a near catatonic state, she's taken to Kyoto. Unfortunately, a now mature Iris is on the warpath, and is determined to have her. At any cost. With the Gyaos attacks on the rise, and two super-powered monsters determined to rend the other limb-from-limb, and Godzilla refusing to return the desperate nation's calls, things look hopelessly bleak. The end of the world is near, and nobody's feeling fine.

First off, I just want to give props to director Shusuke Kaneko for taking a concept as completely insane as a rocket-propelled turtle and spinning it into a trilogy as wonderful as any other 'mainstream' series. And with this final installment, Kaneko weaves a dark fantasy, kaiju opus that comes as close to being perfect as such a movie could ever hope to be. From the quality of the monsters, the effects, and (GASP!) the human element, Revenge of Iris is one of the greatest kaiju films ever made, and achieves a level of quality that hasn't been matched since.

As any fan will happily confirm, the human storyline is often the weakest element in any giant monster movie. The characters are often as shallow as one can get, and the experience can easily be likened to watching grass grow, or paint drying, or any other analogy you can think of. Surprisingly, the story here doesn't have one screaming at the heavens to make it end, or offering blood sacrifices. The basic plot draws upon the concept of Mana, a spititual force residing in all living things. In order to defeat the Legion, Gamera was reforced to draw upon vast reserves of Mana, and the resulting unbalance was what allowed the Gyaos to return to life. The script is surprisingly dense, chock to the brim with musings on memory, the need for personal satisfaction, no matter what the cost, and a surprising sexual element. The film is bleak from beginning to finish,, and there's a pervading sense that the world we know is coming to an end, and despite our best efforts, nothing can be done to prevent it. There is also an uncomfortable sexuality throughout the film, and to make it more uncomfortable, its between Ayana and Iris. The encounter in the woods is the most provacative, with the creature nuzzling her breasts, leading to Ayana uttering "Iris...I'm so hot". Yikes. And tentacle porn pushes further into our beloved genre.

The acting is top-notch throughout, with Ayana shining very brightly. She effortlessly switches between compassion and a rage that is somewhat frightening to behold, as well as displaying affection to what is essentially a prop throughout much of the film. Naomi Watts, eat your heart out. Recuring character Osako, or as I refer to him, that guy who screams at everything, returns and luckily, he does indeed scream several times.

But of course, you're wondering how the monsters fare. Fear not, as they are absolutely fantastic. Gyaos remains largely the same, essentially a pteranadon-like creature, and is brought off extremely well with convingcing CGI and prop effects. In fact, I'd go as far to say the CGI rivals many Hollywood productions. Gamera has, in keeping with his new distance from humanity, has takes on a much leaner, more feral look. As far as Iris goes...wow. The design is something I won't go into great detail over, as it is definitely best seeing with little prior knowledge. The baby form is efficiently cute, without going into the land of the grotesque *stares at Little Godzilla*. The adult is as Lovecraftian as anything I've ever seen, and easily makes for one of the most fearsome, and original kaiju ever concieved.

Surprisingly, the film is light on battles, but when they come, they pack a real punch. The Gyaos battle in Shibuya finally answers the question: What would it be like to firsthand witness a monster battle? Turns out it sucks. Not since Gojira has the toll of monster activity been so explicitlyrendered, as bodies are casually socrched and stomped. The dogfight with Gamera and Iris is a masterpiece of kaiju ballet; utilising near flawless CGI, it envokes a terrible beauty rarely seen in film. The final battle in Kyoto is again realistic in its depiction of two enormous beings going head-to-head, with the combat being extremely brutal and animalistic.

The film is not perfect, with some of the storylines being too muddled for their own good (government secretary and videogame cultists WTF?!), and some of the effects, such as a fully grown Iris striding the hillside looking too obviously like a composite shot, and the ending has definitely turned some people off; but the whole here far outweighs the sum of its parts.

It still won't probably convinve the naysayers, who still snicker at the sometimes primitive effects, laugh at the 'toy' buildings, but for those who like their kaiju action with a hearty helping of brains on the side, you'd be hard pressed to do better

Them

It is no surprise that the horror genre has been in a rut lately. Beginning with the 2oo4 release of Saw, followed shortly by Hostel, both of which have had their fair share of sequels and imitators, a disturbing trend was born. The general public seemed to start believing that extreme, flesh-ripping, bone-crushing violence was a appropriate substitution for a little thing called 'suspense', a film trait that sadly, has been all but forgotten in 95% of mainstream horror. A note to all aspiring filmmakers: slinging blood and guts at the screen while a screaming woman looks down at her gaping chest cavity, that isn't fresh. Or scary. Also, using grainy film stock and rapid fire, Michael Bay editing for someone eating a sandwich, does not constitute style. *Stares long and hard at Platinum Dunes*

To summarize myself, the horror genre seems to be in a collapsing in on itself, and as long as those of us to truly love the genre are constantly force-fed generic torture-porn, insipid remakes, or are forced to hear one more time that a film is being shot with sand in the lens to "capture the grittiness of 70's movies" *stares longer and harder at Platinum Dunes*, well, lets just say the future ain't looking too bright.

Thank God for the French. Yes, I am of sound body and mind, and I do realize the implications of what I just said. I'll say it again: Thank God for the French. After investing hundreds of hours in grimy dungeons or being the witness to death-traps that probably cost the same amount of money to make as America is in debt, *glares at Saw*, it is truly refreshing to see a movie that realizes that it doesn't need to, in the words of Scream's killer, "see what your insides look like" to be truly terrifying and memorable. The breath of fresh air I speak of is Them, a francophone that knows full well how to make the audience a sweating, heaving mess, without spilling a drop of blood. Okay, maybe a drop of blood...

The film wastes no time in letting the viewer know that something deadly prowls the Romanian forest at night. A mother and daughter, clearly at each other's throats, are forced to pull over after narrowly hitting, something, in the middle of the road. The mother is whisked away, and her daughter is violently strangled inside of the car. All to the tunes of helpful *call waiting music* when she tries to contact emergency services. The focus then switches to Clementine (Olivia Bonamy), a young school teacher trying, with little avail, to ram French through the skulls of rambunctious Romanian youngsters. As all teachers are bound to be, she is looking forward to a weekend off with her struggling writer boyfriend, Lucas (Michael Cohen). Naturally, the site where the mother and daughter were killed seems to be only a few miles away from the house they have. All. In. The. Middle. Of. Nowhere. A brief sideline about the house: upon seeing it, the natural reaction would be to wonder why this house isn't perched on top a cliff and constantly enshrouded in fog. After the required frolicking, darkness falls. After a series of incidents, that involve garbled phone calls, and their car being stolen, their sanctuary is breached when six hooded figures break into their house, clearly with ill-intentions. Clementine and Lucas quickly find themselves in a struggle with an enemy whose motives are as mysterious as their identity.

Clocking in at just over an hour, Them leaves little room for introspective character development. Virtually all we know about Lucas and Clementine is that they are respectively, an aspiring writer and a school teacher, and very much in love. That being said, the actors share a remarkable chemistry, and their light-hearted jabs coupled with their more intimate moments make them one of the most naturalistic couples I've ever seen. The flip side of the brevity statement is that the film takes little time establishing the situation, and once the siege begins, the film maintains an almost unbearable tension. The film has as its core a universal fear: just what would happen if someone broke into your house when you were at your most vulnerable. Once the horror kicks in, the house begins to become a character onto itself: with its rooms shrouded in plastic, cavernous attic, and seemingly never ending flights of stairs, the house seamlessly transforms into a landscape that is both clouded in dread and alien. This being said, the cinematography is handled well, with almost everything either being drenched in shadow or objects casting sharp, huge shadows onto the surrounding walls. The transformation is evident of just how well the film is able to take the every-day and transform it into something hostile and unknowable.

The sound works extremely well also; since the film's modus operandi is mainly suggesting what hides in the dark rather than give the viewer an eyeful, thus diminishing its effect *stares at Boogeyman*, effective sound design is essential. Given the context of the film, sounds as innocuous as taps turning on and off, footsteps going up and down the stairs take on a new sense of immediate danger. The soundtrack is minimalist but works well; mostly alternating between heavy base and a series of halting, heavily industrialized sounds; with the latter sound effect working extremely well with what I will only call "the eyehole scene". Of it, I will say no more. The remaining audio effects are more identifiable as straight horror, with the invaders letting loose a series of unsettling, animalistic howls and grunts; as well as making a clicking that sounds similar to the insects from Mimic.

The prevalent mystery is what exactly 'Them' are. With only fleeting glimpses, suggesting something human sized covered in a hood, they are able to become simultaneously something almost recognizable and completely unknowable. There is however a small visual clue that is suggestive of what they are, but I won't mention that here; I have renounced my spoiler giving ways.

However, as is inevitable, the film is not perfect. Once the action moves outside of the house and into the forest, the claustrophobic feel is lost, and though the last act is plenty intense in of itself, it fails to recapture the sheer intensity found in the previous act. The film has what can be best described in a double-sided sword when it comes to the ultimate unveiling of 'Them'; when a movie spends so much time focusing on a menace that is as mysterious as it is dangerous, expectations are bound to be raised pretty high. As other movies in the past, the revelation is rarely up to the viewer's expectations, and the same definitely applies here. Upon the first viewing, when all was said and done, I was left feeling more than a little hollow. However, seeing the film a second time, knowing full well what was trying to kill the happy couple made the experience all the more harrowing. As it is in real life, there are no easy answers given for why Clementine and Lucas are being put through Hell, and by the time the sombre conclusion rolls around, it is evident that the film is all the more effective without having a neat and tidy little explanation.

For those of you are tired of seeing movies where someone is dismembered and beaten to death with their own limbs by a cackling surgeon/ice cream man/real estate agent/cults, etc...and want to remember what it is like to be truly scared, you owe it to yourself to check this out. Torture Porn is dead! Long live torture porn!

My Bloody Valentine 1981

Time for a history lesson, children. Way back when, a fascist organization that we know as the MPAA were beginning to crack down on horror films they deemed were offensive to the very morals of the American people. Obviously the entire country was unable to get off its high horse at the time... Then along comes a little Canadian production called My Bloody Valentine. What followed was the classic tale of David vs. Goliath. Except this time, Goliath won. Featuring ads run in newspapers and magazines that were apparently enough to make everyone sputter and drop their monocle into their tea, the director, George Mihalka, was forced to cut 9 minutes of material all relating to the murders. The result? A good deal many horror fans who were...perplexed, to say the least, when the mouth-wateringly gory stills promised to them by Fangoria were nowhere to be seen, leaving a film that while better then the rest, still felt curiously dry. Which brings us to now, where after 28 years of waiting, fans of the original will finally be able to see the film as it was meant to be seen with the Special Uncut Edition, which as the title implies, restores the scenes thought to be lost. Which brings us to the review...

I want to state this now: I am against large dances. Despite me being a curmudgeon before my time, I have a handful of good reasons: there's always the one guy who doesn't find someone to shuffle with, resulting in them brooding in a corner. This often results in them either killing themselves, killing those who spurned his affection, or he ends up being the guy who you read about in the newspapers; you know, "the guy who breaks into a daycare and turns the kiddies into mulch before being brought down by rhino tranquilizers". Or, the urge to dance can lead to explosions. You heard me. Explosions. Back in 1960, two mining supervisors left their post in order to attend a Valentine's Day dance. Their negligence resulted in an explosion that claimed the lives of four miners. The only one to survive was Harry Warden, via the cannibalization of his fallen friends. He later donned a miner jumpsuit, gas mask, and slaughtered the two responsible, ripping their hearts out, warning he'd return upon subsequent Valentine's Day dances. His future endeavors are then crushed when he's forcibly sentenced to a mental health hospital, where he remains to this day. Or does he...?

Flash forward 20 years later, and the small town of Valentine's Bluff is once again preparing for the holiday festivities. Hanniger Mines remains the lifeblood of the community, and the young men are obviously looking forward to shedding their protective outfits, washing away the grime, and having a night of fun, and in many cases, the prerequisite pre-marital sex. Unfortunately, its not all sunshine and butterflies. T.J. Hanniger has a problem, you see. When he left Valentine's Bluff some time back, presumably to do some soul searching, he came back to find his girlfriend has fallen into the arms of his rival, Axel (bearing a truly eerie resemblance to Aaron Eckhart) in his absence. Trouble is, he can't stop loving her. Of course, this leads to much butting-of-the-heads between the two men. Even more troubling, a series of violent murders has fallen upon the town, the wounds suggesting Warden has somehow returned. As the Valentine's Day dance draws near, and each new body bearing cryptic messages warning what fait awaits those who celebrate the holiday. Unfortunately, the best efforts of the police are hardly up to the task of competing with the sex drive of rambancious miners. Then does the blood truly begin to flow...

The first thing that makes this film immediately stand out from its ilk is the level of writing on hand. The relationships are portrayed here as being quite realistic, and as it is in real life, love is often a good deal more complicated then 'reel life' would have you believe. The love triangle between T.J., Axel, and Sara is realized extremely well; all three involved come off as suitably sympathetic, and there is no reall fault to be laid at anyone's feet. The characterizations are stronger then usual as well; instead of opting out for a yet another batch of fresh-faced teens who's main priorities are to smoke pot, drink beer, and get laid, the characters here are all well into their 20's and working class, and as mentioned before, bear actual burdens on their shoulders. Surprisingly, there aren't many characters that we long to have obliterated, with the exception of one guy who likely is a SCTV character who was left on the cutting room floor. The acting here, for the most part, is what we generally expect from a slasher film, though again, most of the principal players do a good job with what is required of them.

Story wise, the maniac-from-the-past-with-a-grudge-to-settle is hardly original, but Mihalka is able to wring a good deal of suspense from what may seem to be a cookie-cutter storyline. The cliches are firmly in place, such as a screeching old guy who gravely tells the frolickers of Harry Warden, only to have his warnings go unheeded. As well as a killer who seems to be in possession of ESP and the apparent ability to teleport around. One of the film's main strengths is its setting. Shot in the Maritimes, the film has a flavor that is uniquely Canadian, with the obvious maritime accents all the actors possess and more Moosehead Beer then you can shake a fist at. I lost count around the half-hour mark as to just how many Mooseheads were proudly in display. The mine that comes into play by the climax stands out as one of the most intensively claustrophobic setting ever seen in such a movie, and the fact that it was all location shooting adds to the realism of it all. And realism is what perhaps set this movie off the most. unlike almost every other slasher in existence, there is no 'Final Girl' as we know it; there are no improbable acts of heroism, and the killer is not a supernatural force of vengeance, just a man.

On to the kills. Lets just say, the wait was definitely worth it. Even though the new footage is slightly degraded, it really doesn't matter al that much, and seeing Harry Warden's uncensored rampage was more than enough to make up for the poorer quality. The kills are as brutal as anything I've ever seen, and a few contain extremely striking imagery. I'll just say one word: 'showerhead'.

Almost all slasher films live or die by the strength of their killer, and MBV sports what is undoubtedly my favorite slasher. Warden is the very definition of 'menace': clad in the work boots,, the black suit, and the helmet/gas mask ensemble, he truly is a force to reckon with, and coupled with the heavy, Darth Vader-esque breathing, he easily stands as one of the most frightening killers ever to stalk the screen, and it is truly head scratching to know that he hasn't joined the ranks of slasher royalty along side the likes of Voorhees, Myers, etc.

So, is this film art? Hell no. Does it stand head and shoulders over what is generally a sea of mediocrity? You better believe it. So take these words to heart: come Valentine's Day, cuddle up with a loved one, turn the lights out, and watch the blood fly.

The Day The Earth Stood Still

I want to stress the point: this is not an awful movie. It certainly is no quality piece of film-making, and you'd be hard pressed to say this is even a good movie. However, for what I paid, I came, I saw, I was mildly entertained. Is it completely unnecessary? Yes, it certainly is. In fact, I won't even bother making any real comparison to the 50's classic, because quite honestly, as a remake it fails miserably. Instead, this film shall be judged on its own merits. Be warned gentle reader, I will be going into full spoiler territory.

Meet Helen Benson (Jennifer Connelly). She is a Biology professor at a nameless Manhattan University. She has a class consisting of around 10 students, several of whom look as if they're overdue for their appointment with Mr. Needle. Helen is sad. Meet her stepson Jacob (Jaden Smith. YES, the son of THAT other fellow going by the last name of 'Smith'). He is sad, because his engineer father was recently killed overseas. Unfortunately, he vents his sadness by being the single most annoying, disrespectful child character ever committed to celluloid. And believe me, I have seen some real doozies. Most of his interactions with Helen consist either of him ignoring her, or coming off as a complete jackass. Its a wonder this kid has never been physically punished, and believe you me, there were numerous occasions where I wished I could strangle the little bastard. You heard me, gentle reader, say YES to child abuse. In short, his being sad makes the audience sad. He made me feel truly sad.

Meet Klaatu (Keanu Reeves). He too is sad. You see, all he wants to do is deliver a simple message. Klatuu is an alien, and he has come here to tell us that since Earth is one of the few planets capable of supporting life (yeah, right), we have a few options available to us. Our constant maltreatment of the Earth has resulted in some Intergalatic Council laying down a ultimatum: either we shape up, or they exterminate us. Unfortunately, he was shot by the dick-headed military upon arrival, and now the government, since being exterminated doesn't fit into their schedule, try to stop him at various means. Helen, still being sad, decides to help Klatuu, hoping to convince him we are a race worth saving. Bringing your bastard of a step-son really doesn't help you in that regard...

The stage is set for what could have been a fun romp. Unfortunately, the term 'fun-romp' is the first of many problems this film has. Trying to mesh the thoughtful, pessimistic tone of the original with the Michael Bay, blow-everything-to-hell sensibility just doesn't work. As a result, the film has a huge chase of identity disorder: is it trying to be a thoughtful, thinking man's science fiction? Or does it just want to cater to the crowd that get erections whenever something blows up? In the end, it does neither particularly well.

The blame certainly doesn't lay with the direction. Scott Derrickson has a solid hand on the proceedings throughout, even managing to squeeze in a few extremely striking visual shots, with one of the Orb spaceships rising from the sea and being silhouetted by the setting sun being particularly note-worthy. Some of the military encounters with Klatuu's guard bot Gort are well handled, if unspectacular overall.

The actors, for the most part, do the best with their severely underwritten characters. Connelly brings the right amount of humanity to her role (Hollywood, please feed this woman. Africans aren't the only ones who are going hungry...). For the most part, Keanu does what he plays best, playing Keanu. Luckily him, this acting style fits in quite nicely with an alien creature unfamiliar with human customs and speech patterns. Unfortunately, his character is not nearly complex enough. Virtually all we know about him is he has some vaguely defined power over electricity, which can let him emit a deafening sonic whine, crash helicopters, and throw cars with extreme force (more on that later). However, they can't all be roses. Jaden Smith is simply awful; I mean, I know his character was poorly written right from the get-go, but it still doesn't stop him from turning in a preformance that mainly consists of him pouting like a child being told he can't have fudge cookies for supper.

So where does the blame lay, you ask? The script. Jesus Christ. The thing is, there are some good ideas. The updating the Cold-War worries from the original to global-warming, a very real and topical fear, and taking it to the extent where beings unknown to us have to forcefully step in struck me as quite clever. And its all downhill from there. Smith's character aside, there are several GLARING plotholes that are simply inexcusable.

1. First of all, the fate of humanity is decided in a MCDONALDS?!?. Reeves meets up with a fellow alien who has been living amongst us for 70 years on a reconaissance mission. He immediately tells Klatuu what a despicable, thuggish race humans are. Basically, he gives Klatuu the go ahead to begin the End. However, as soon as Klatuu tells him to get out of Dodge, the informer does a sudden 180 and basically says humans are extremely likeable in their own way, and he plans on dieing with them. WHAT. THE. HELL.

2. Later on, Keanu kills a cop, by crushing him with his own squad-car, only to bring him to life seconds later. His reasoning? He doesn't like killing people when its unecessary. What? He's been sent to kill an entire species because they can't clean up after themselves and play well with each other, but killing one person weighs on his conscience. Whatever.

3. Near the beginning, when it seems a metoerite is going to smash into Central Park and wipe out almost all life on Earth, the government assembles a team of scientists, Helen included, to help reconstruct after impact. Logical enough plan, no? Well, do you know where the gov't plans to have them when the meteor hits? Where they decide to put the men and women in charge of helping out after there's a big boom? Well, I'll tell you. RIGHT. OVER. CENTRAL PARK. Do you remember that Simpsons episode with the comet? And one of their plans is to have houses equipped with robot legs so the house can flee the scene? Well, the planning behind that is absolutely brilliant when compared to putting the most valuable people on the Earth in helicopters right over the impact site. God damn.

4. Near the climax of the film, Gort becomes an enormous particle cloud and begins devouring the city. For reasons not explained, Klatuu suddenly sees the human race IS in fact worth fighting for, so he goes to his ship and lets loose a pulse that destroys Gort. As well as permeanantly wiping out electricity, thus stopping our ability to muck up nature any more. Sorry? Why didn't they just knock humanity back to the Stone Age right from the get go? The whole moral dilemna on the part of the humans becomes totally pointless by this point.

The special effects are wildly uneven as well. While the sphere that Klatuu travels in is an impressive effect, Gort's first appearance is hugely disappointing, with the obviously CGI robot looming over obviously CGI tanks, the whole thing looks like a videogame cut-scene and offers no sense of scale. The cloud's destruction is underwhelming as well, with the only things being destroyed being a truck, a empty stadium, and a empty restaurant. Seeing empty places being demolished by an obvious effect is definitely not the last word in excitement (Please, stop using the whole digital cloud effect. I don't know what kind of discount you get for having cloud forms go on rampages in movies, but it sucked in Fantastic Four: Rise of The Silver Surfer, and it sucked here too).

Here's the way the film should have ended: near the end, the swarm begins to go inside of Jaden Smith. Instead of activating the pulse, the very last scene is Klatuu laughing hysterically as the child is devoured from the inside out. Roll Credits. Memo to the writer: if you had ended the film this way, you can guarantee I owuld have been with this film 100%