I want to stress the point: this is not an awful movie. It certainly is no quality piece of film-making, and you'd be hard pressed to say this is even a good movie. However, for what I paid, I came, I saw, I was mildly entertained. Is it completely unnecessary? Yes, it certainly is. In fact, I won't even bother making any real comparison to the 50's classic, because quite honestly, as a remake it fails miserably. Instead, this film shall be judged on its own merits. Be warned gentle reader, I will be going into full spoiler territory.
Meet Helen Benson (Jennifer Connelly). She is a Biology professor at a nameless Manhattan University. She has a class consisting of around 10 students, several of whom look as if they're overdue for their appointment with Mr. Needle. Helen is sad. Meet her stepson Jacob (Jaden Smith. YES, the son of THAT other fellow going by the last name of 'Smith'). He is sad, because his engineer father was recently killed overseas. Unfortunately, he vents his sadness by being the single most annoying, disrespectful child character ever committed to celluloid. And believe me, I have seen some real doozies. Most of his interactions with Helen consist either of him ignoring her, or coming off as a complete jackass. Its a wonder this kid has never been physically punished, and believe you me, there were numerous occasions where I wished I could strangle the little bastard. You heard me, gentle reader, say YES to child abuse. In short, his being sad makes the audience sad. He made me feel truly sad.
Meet Klaatu (Keanu Reeves). He too is sad. You see, all he wants to do is deliver a simple message. Klatuu is an alien, and he has come here to tell us that since Earth is one of the few planets capable of supporting life (yeah, right), we have a few options available to us. Our constant maltreatment of the Earth has resulted in some Intergalatic Council laying down a ultimatum: either we shape up, or they exterminate us. Unfortunately, he was shot by the dick-headed military upon arrival, and now the government, since being exterminated doesn't fit into their schedule, try to stop him at various means. Helen, still being sad, decides to help Klatuu, hoping to convince him we are a race worth saving. Bringing your bastard of a step-son really doesn't help you in that regard...
The stage is set for what could have been a fun romp. Unfortunately, the term 'fun-romp' is the first of many problems this film has. Trying to mesh the thoughtful, pessimistic tone of the original with the Michael Bay, blow-everything-to-hell sensibility just doesn't work. As a result, the film has a huge chase of identity disorder: is it trying to be a thoughtful, thinking man's science fiction? Or does it just want to cater to the crowd that get erections whenever something blows up? In the end, it does neither particularly well.
The blame certainly doesn't lay with the direction. Scott Derrickson has a solid hand on the proceedings throughout, even managing to squeeze in a few extremely striking visual shots, with one of the Orb spaceships rising from the sea and being silhouetted by the setting sun being particularly note-worthy. Some of the military encounters with Klatuu's guard bot Gort are well handled, if unspectacular overall.
The actors, for the most part, do the best with their severely underwritten characters. Connelly brings the right amount of humanity to her role (Hollywood, please feed this woman. Africans aren't the only ones who are going hungry...). For the most part, Keanu does what he plays best, playing Keanu. Luckily him, this acting style fits in quite nicely with an alien creature unfamiliar with human customs and speech patterns. Unfortunately, his character is not nearly complex enough. Virtually all we know about him is he has some vaguely defined power over electricity, which can let him emit a deafening sonic whine, crash helicopters, and throw cars with extreme force (more on that later). However, they can't all be roses. Jaden Smith is simply awful; I mean, I know his character was poorly written right from the get-go, but it still doesn't stop him from turning in a preformance that mainly consists of him pouting like a child being told he can't have fudge cookies for supper.
So where does the blame lay, you ask? The script. Jesus Christ. The thing is, there are some good ideas. The updating the Cold-War worries from the original to global-warming, a very real and topical fear, and taking it to the extent where beings unknown to us have to forcefully step in struck me as quite clever. And its all downhill from there. Smith's character aside, there are several GLARING plotholes that are simply inexcusable.
1. First of all, the fate of humanity is decided in a MCDONALDS?!?. Reeves meets up with a fellow alien who has been living amongst us for 70 years on a reconaissance mission. He immediately tells Klatuu what a despicable, thuggish race humans are. Basically, he gives Klatuu the go ahead to begin the End. However, as soon as Klatuu tells him to get out of Dodge, the informer does a sudden 180 and basically says humans are extremely likeable in their own way, and he plans on dieing with them. WHAT. THE. HELL.
2. Later on, Keanu kills a cop, by crushing him with his own squad-car, only to bring him to life seconds later. His reasoning? He doesn't like killing people when its unecessary. What? He's been sent to kill an entire species because they can't clean up after themselves and play well with each other, but killing one person weighs on his conscience. Whatever.
3. Near the beginning, when it seems a metoerite is going to smash into Central Park and wipe out almost all life on Earth, the government assembles a team of scientists, Helen included, to help reconstruct after impact. Logical enough plan, no? Well, do you know where the gov't plans to have them when the meteor hits? Where they decide to put the men and women in charge of helping out after there's a big boom? Well, I'll tell you. RIGHT. OVER. CENTRAL PARK. Do you remember that Simpsons episode with the comet? And one of their plans is to have houses equipped with robot legs so the house can flee the scene? Well, the planning behind that is absolutely brilliant when compared to putting the most valuable people on the Earth in helicopters right over the impact site. God damn.
4. Near the climax of the film, Gort becomes an enormous particle cloud and begins devouring the city. For reasons not explained, Klatuu suddenly sees the human race IS in fact worth fighting for, so he goes to his ship and lets loose a pulse that destroys Gort. As well as permeanantly wiping out electricity, thus stopping our ability to muck up nature any more. Sorry? Why didn't they just knock humanity back to the Stone Age right from the get go? The whole moral dilemna on the part of the humans becomes totally pointless by this point.
The special effects are wildly uneven as well. While the sphere that Klatuu travels in is an impressive effect, Gort's first appearance is hugely disappointing, with the obviously CGI robot looming over obviously CGI tanks, the whole thing looks like a videogame cut-scene and offers no sense of scale. The cloud's destruction is underwhelming as well, with the only things being destroyed being a truck, a empty stadium, and a empty restaurant. Seeing empty places being demolished by an obvious effect is definitely not the last word in excitement (Please, stop using the whole digital cloud effect. I don't know what kind of discount you get for having cloud forms go on rampages in movies, but it sucked in Fantastic Four: Rise of The Silver Surfer, and it sucked here too).
Here's the way the film should have ended: near the end, the swarm begins to go inside of Jaden Smith. Instead of activating the pulse, the very last scene is Klatuu laughing hysterically as the child is devoured from the inside out. Roll Credits. Memo to the writer: if you had ended the film this way, you can guarantee I owuld have been with this film 100%
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Christmas Cheer
Ahoy out there...*crickets chirping*... Well, if anyone out there does happen to be reading this, here's a little Christmas cheer to tide you over until the holidays...
You hear that? That was the sound of little baby Jesus succumbing to crib death. Yes, that was a little bit harsh, but dammit, some things just have to be said. The author Hannah Arendt once spoke of the 'banality of evil' and while I'd normally agree, Lil' Markie is about as far on the opposite end of the spectrum as banality as it gets. I'm sure no-one would disagree with me when I say sometimes evil is instead a large man who attempts pull off a squeaky voice meant to be cute and endearing; but instead comes off as an escaped lunatic who has just inhaled helium and intends to ram a drill bit through your forehead. All the while singing about the HEALING POWERS OF CHRIST ALMIGHTY! If this is truly the best spokesperson God can afford, I sincerely recommend He get a new public-relations agent.
There are two nagging questions on my mind: Who exactly goes to see this display of human nature at its most upsetting? I don't know about you, but I have a real hard time imagining a marquee saying in big bold letters "NOW! MARK FOX AND HIS HELLISH SPLIT PERSONALITY LIL' MARKIE IN PERSON!" and this line stretching for blocks and blocks from the entrance. Personally, the only people I can imagine here would be the Hewitt clan. Not because they're die-hard fans of Christian-alternative folk, but because Fox definitely has more than enough pounds to spare, and I do hear that chili is often popular this time of year, if you catch my drift...
Also, why exactly does every priest feel the overwhelming urge to sing AND preach their gospel at the same time? I have nothing against priests, or religion in general, but hearing this guy sing only strengthens the notion that priesthood and folksy singing should be kept apart with a 12-foot pole. Check that. A restraining order is the only thing strong enough to stop this guy from subjecting more innocent people to his 'cheer'. You want to be a priest, be a priest. You wanna be a singer, take up a career in just that. Please, don't merge the two. That's like a world class chef deciding he wants to be a BMX racer, and I'm sure you can all imagine how sadly that would turn out...
I know this isn't technically Christmas related, but I stumbled upon this little gem close enough to the season, so I will classify it as holiday related. Let me ask you this gentle reader. Does this make you think of Christmas? Does this make you think of mistletoe (if you do see mistletoe, and the first thing you think of is Mark Fox, you need help. If you see him standing under mistletoe, that is a whole different problem altogether. RUN). Does this conjure images of presents, and the tree, and sleigh rides? Again, I know this isn't technically a Christmas video, but humor me.
I'll tell you what it inspires in me. It makes me feel that crawling into a hole, eating only Twinkies, and screaming myself to death sounds like an absolutely wonderful idea. Happy holidays Mark Fox, you prick. A side note to Lil' Markie: The Power of Christ Compels You!
You hear that? That was the sound of little baby Jesus succumbing to crib death. Yes, that was a little bit harsh, but dammit, some things just have to be said. The author Hannah Arendt once spoke of the 'banality of evil' and while I'd normally agree, Lil' Markie is about as far on the opposite end of the spectrum as banality as it gets. I'm sure no-one would disagree with me when I say sometimes evil is instead a large man who attempts pull off a squeaky voice meant to be cute and endearing; but instead comes off as an escaped lunatic who has just inhaled helium and intends to ram a drill bit through your forehead. All the while singing about the HEALING POWERS OF CHRIST ALMIGHTY! If this is truly the best spokesperson God can afford, I sincerely recommend He get a new public-relations agent.
There are two nagging questions on my mind: Who exactly goes to see this display of human nature at its most upsetting? I don't know about you, but I have a real hard time imagining a marquee saying in big bold letters "NOW! MARK FOX AND HIS HELLISH SPLIT PERSONALITY LIL' MARKIE IN PERSON!" and this line stretching for blocks and blocks from the entrance. Personally, the only people I can imagine here would be the Hewitt clan. Not because they're die-hard fans of Christian-alternative folk, but because Fox definitely has more than enough pounds to spare, and I do hear that chili is often popular this time of year, if you catch my drift...
Also, why exactly does every priest feel the overwhelming urge to sing AND preach their gospel at the same time? I have nothing against priests, or religion in general, but hearing this guy sing only strengthens the notion that priesthood and folksy singing should be kept apart with a 12-foot pole. Check that. A restraining order is the only thing strong enough to stop this guy from subjecting more innocent people to his 'cheer'. You want to be a priest, be a priest. You wanna be a singer, take up a career in just that. Please, don't merge the two. That's like a world class chef deciding he wants to be a BMX racer, and I'm sure you can all imagine how sadly that would turn out...
I know this isn't technically Christmas related, but I stumbled upon this little gem close enough to the season, so I will classify it as holiday related. Let me ask you this gentle reader. Does this make you think of Christmas? Does this make you think of mistletoe (if you do see mistletoe, and the first thing you think of is Mark Fox, you need help. If you see him standing under mistletoe, that is a whole different problem altogether. RUN). Does this conjure images of presents, and the tree, and sleigh rides? Again, I know this isn't technically a Christmas video, but humor me.
I'll tell you what it inspires in me. It makes me feel that crawling into a hole, eating only Twinkies, and screaming myself to death sounds like an absolutely wonderful idea. Happy holidays Mark Fox, you prick. A side note to Lil' Markie: The Power of Christ Compels You!
Monday, December 15, 2008
Quarantine film review
I just want to state right off the bat that I've always been against remakes. However, remakes that take the core concept of the original and expand on it in new and interesting ways, I'm fine with; case in point: John Carpenter's The Thing, and Cronenberg's redux of The Fly I see as being on equal ground, if not superior, to the original films. Unfortunately, the Dowdle Brothers are most definitely not Carpenter or Cronenberg.
When a remake instead decides to copy the source film to the point of out right plagiarism, that's where the issues arise. And that is the perfect segue into the main topic of this post, the film Quarantine, the latest in a long line of pointless Hollywood remakes. The rationale behind this latest piece of fodder? Western audiences are frightened by subtitles as well as actors who aren't immediately familiar. Give me a break. That's the best reason the executive powers can come up with for green lighting a remake of a foreign film, REC, that's barely been out for a year?
On to the actual movie. We are immediately introduced to television reporter Angela Vidal (Dexter's Jennifer Carpenter) and her cameraman. The duo's latest assignment is to do a human-interest piece on the late-shift at a local fire station. She's immediately introduced to her two guides for the night: Jake (Jay Hernandez) and George Fletcher a.k.a Sleazy 'Stache. Angela and crew fight the crushing boredom through a series of inane sexual innuendos (the word 'hose' mentioned several times in the shower room. Get it? You laughing?) and a friendly game of basketball before (Thank Christ) the crew is dispatched to an apartment building. Angela tags along, clearly hoping for any form of action to make up for the night. Let me tell you, she gets it in spades. The four are met by two policemen who inform that an older woman had fallen in her apartment and gone into hysterics. Clearly, it is a slow night in the city if the presence of two fire fighters and policemen are needed for a crazy old woman who tripped and fell in her own apartment. The woman doesn't take too kindly to her would be rescuer's intentions, and proceeds to rip out the throat of one of the police officer's. Clearly perturbed by this un-lady like show of behavior, the 'Stache and his companions seek medical attention for the man, only to discover the building has been sealed off (hence 'Quarantine') by an over zealous military who presumably plan on letting the problem solve itself while just sitting back and twiddling their thumbs. Things quickly get worse: the power goes out, and the inhabitants discover that they're being stalked by the copy-and-pasted script from REC, and it is pissed off.
Let me say that this is not so much a terrible film (head and shoulders above the Wicker Man and Halloween remakes) as it is a terribly unnecessary one. It's clear that the Dowdle Brothers have respect for the source material, except they really have little-to-no idea how to take the original, admittedly not perfect, and make it something truly their own. Their insistence on literally filming Quarantine shot-for-shot to the original only raises the question: why imitate the film to a 't' when the original could just as easily be released? Oh yeah, the subtitle thing... Actually, I should correct myself. There is new content, only problem is the new footage is terribly pointless, such as the firehouse opener being stretched by at least 5 minutes, and another sequence which is literally just Jake walking down the hallways, knocking on doors, and being glared at by the people inside.
Aside from those two sequences, the urge the Dowdles have to treat their own film as a paint-by-numbers version of REC contributes to the film's biggest, and completely unforgivable sin: its not scary.Keep this in mind folks: it takes a great deal of effort to take everything that was genuinely terrifying about REC and instead make it boring. Every set-piece scare either takes way too long to get going, such as the first attack, or handled so abruptly there's no real chance for the scare to sink in, such as 'Stache being thrown down several flights and falling to his death. The ending is a complete waste as well, with Angela and her cameraman meeting a 'Patient Zero'-esque creature in one of the rooms; a sequence that should have been intense, but comes off as laughable, mainly due to the horrendous creature make-up. I love Doug Jones as a monster preformer, but he may go down as one of the least frightening monsters in recent memory.
The infected are handled poorly as well, with the truly disturbing guttural roars from REC into "Generic Monster Squeal #11" from the stock sound effect library. Having monsters who sound like a squeaky elevator door opening every time they open their mouth is not exactly the last word in horror.
Not all is a complete waste. The acting is solid, if unremarkable throughout, with Carpenter handling herself well for the initial acts, only to have her performance quickly degenerate into an assortment of sobs and screams. In fact, her screaming soon becomes louder and more frightening than the shrieks of the infected residents. Jay Hernandez is again, solid enough, but nothing really else to it. He does handle himself well in the action scenes, and even manages to pull off a few rousing finishing moves against the creatures.
I'll actually have to correct myself on one point: the Dowdles did include yet another part to the film, in this case a tweaking of the original's ending. For much of REC, the scenario had been treated as yet another mystery virus gone amok. By the ending, there was another plot point introduced; while admittedly out of field, was extremely frightening and brought about a whole new level of ambiguity to the mystery. The director seemingly has no patience for such ambiguity, and offers his own solution to the outbreak of the virus: one that is handled in such a painfully clumsy, inept matter that the only response elicted from the audience I saw this with was laughter. I'm sure this is not the intended effect the makers had in mind...
*Spoilers*
Angela discovers a series of newspaper clippings that helpfully explain the cause of the madness. You see, a 'Doomsday Cult' had managed to break into a weapons facility and steal their beloved 'Armageddon Virus'. Then, for no other reason except plot convenience, the cult unleashes this weapon on a typically drab apartment complex. I for one have had problems sleeping ever since I came to the realization that somewhere, somehow, a Doomsday cult could be stealing an Armageddon virus. Could even be happening right as we speak. It could happen here!
*End Spoilers*
Here's a shout out to Hollywood: I do not break into the willies whenever I have to read subtitles or encounter actors who aren't constantly being branded the most beautiful people on the planet. time to respect your audience, and release genuinely good pieces of film making, and not this watered down drivel that is quickly becoming the bane of horror fans everywhere.
And there you go. If anyone is out there, hope you enjoyed it well enough, and I will be back soon with a review of Ils (Them). Ciao.
When a remake instead decides to copy the source film to the point of out right plagiarism, that's where the issues arise. And that is the perfect segue into the main topic of this post, the film Quarantine, the latest in a long line of pointless Hollywood remakes. The rationale behind this latest piece of fodder? Western audiences are frightened by subtitles as well as actors who aren't immediately familiar. Give me a break. That's the best reason the executive powers can come up with for green lighting a remake of a foreign film, REC, that's barely been out for a year?
On to the actual movie. We are immediately introduced to television reporter Angela Vidal (Dexter's Jennifer Carpenter) and her cameraman. The duo's latest assignment is to do a human-interest piece on the late-shift at a local fire station. She's immediately introduced to her two guides for the night: Jake (Jay Hernandez) and George Fletcher a.k.a Sleazy 'Stache. Angela and crew fight the crushing boredom through a series of inane sexual innuendos (the word 'hose' mentioned several times in the shower room. Get it? You laughing?) and a friendly game of basketball before (Thank Christ) the crew is dispatched to an apartment building. Angela tags along, clearly hoping for any form of action to make up for the night. Let me tell you, she gets it in spades. The four are met by two policemen who inform that an older woman had fallen in her apartment and gone into hysterics. Clearly, it is a slow night in the city if the presence of two fire fighters and policemen are needed for a crazy old woman who tripped and fell in her own apartment. The woman doesn't take too kindly to her would be rescuer's intentions, and proceeds to rip out the throat of one of the police officer's. Clearly perturbed by this un-lady like show of behavior, the 'Stache and his companions seek medical attention for the man, only to discover the building has been sealed off (hence 'Quarantine') by an over zealous military who presumably plan on letting the problem solve itself while just sitting back and twiddling their thumbs. Things quickly get worse: the power goes out, and the inhabitants discover that they're being stalked by the copy-and-pasted script from REC, and it is pissed off.
Let me say that this is not so much a terrible film (head and shoulders above the Wicker Man and Halloween remakes) as it is a terribly unnecessary one. It's clear that the Dowdle Brothers have respect for the source material, except they really have little-to-no idea how to take the original, admittedly not perfect, and make it something truly their own. Their insistence on literally filming Quarantine shot-for-shot to the original only raises the question: why imitate the film to a 't' when the original could just as easily be released? Oh yeah, the subtitle thing... Actually, I should correct myself. There is new content, only problem is the new footage is terribly pointless, such as the firehouse opener being stretched by at least 5 minutes, and another sequence which is literally just Jake walking down the hallways, knocking on doors, and being glared at by the people inside.
Aside from those two sequences, the urge the Dowdles have to treat their own film as a paint-by-numbers version of REC contributes to the film's biggest, and completely unforgivable sin: its not scary.Keep this in mind folks: it takes a great deal of effort to take everything that was genuinely terrifying about REC and instead make it boring. Every set-piece scare either takes way too long to get going, such as the first attack, or handled so abruptly there's no real chance for the scare to sink in, such as 'Stache being thrown down several flights and falling to his death. The ending is a complete waste as well, with Angela and her cameraman meeting a 'Patient Zero'-esque creature in one of the rooms; a sequence that should have been intense, but comes off as laughable, mainly due to the horrendous creature make-up. I love Doug Jones as a monster preformer, but he may go down as one of the least frightening monsters in recent memory.
The infected are handled poorly as well, with the truly disturbing guttural roars from REC into "Generic Monster Squeal #11" from the stock sound effect library. Having monsters who sound like a squeaky elevator door opening every time they open their mouth is not exactly the last word in horror.
Not all is a complete waste. The acting is solid, if unremarkable throughout, with Carpenter handling herself well for the initial acts, only to have her performance quickly degenerate into an assortment of sobs and screams. In fact, her screaming soon becomes louder and more frightening than the shrieks of the infected residents. Jay Hernandez is again, solid enough, but nothing really else to it. He does handle himself well in the action scenes, and even manages to pull off a few rousing finishing moves against the creatures.
I'll actually have to correct myself on one point: the Dowdles did include yet another part to the film, in this case a tweaking of the original's ending. For much of REC, the scenario had been treated as yet another mystery virus gone amok. By the ending, there was another plot point introduced; while admittedly out of field, was extremely frightening and brought about a whole new level of ambiguity to the mystery. The director seemingly has no patience for such ambiguity, and offers his own solution to the outbreak of the virus: one that is handled in such a painfully clumsy, inept matter that the only response elicted from the audience I saw this with was laughter. I'm sure this is not the intended effect the makers had in mind...
*Spoilers*
Angela discovers a series of newspaper clippings that helpfully explain the cause of the madness. You see, a 'Doomsday Cult' had managed to break into a weapons facility and steal their beloved 'Armageddon Virus'. Then, for no other reason except plot convenience, the cult unleashes this weapon on a typically drab apartment complex. I for one have had problems sleeping ever since I came to the realization that somewhere, somehow, a Doomsday cult could be stealing an Armageddon virus. Could even be happening right as we speak. It could happen here!
*End Spoilers*
Here's a shout out to Hollywood: I do not break into the willies whenever I have to read subtitles or encounter actors who aren't constantly being branded the most beautiful people on the planet. time to respect your audience, and release genuinely good pieces of film making, and not this watered down drivel that is quickly becoming the bane of horror fans everywhere.
And there you go. If anyone is out there, hope you enjoyed it well enough, and I will be back soon with a review of Ils (Them). Ciao.
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